One month ago right now, I watched my favorite people walk down the aisle ahead of me... the doors closed, and it was just my dad & I. My dad looked at me and said, "well Hayl, these are life's special moments you will remember always." The doors swung open, Canon in D played, and I started walking towards my best friend. I never felt so happy in all my life, never felt so sure of anything. When he saw me, he teared up and mouthed, "wow". It was simply - perfect.

There are so many moments that I can remember so clearly, and others that when people re-tell them, I can't believe I can't recall at all. (Like the fact that we watched the movie "Enchanted" before we went to the barn - girls, do you remember that? I had no idea we did that!! Haha, am I so lame or what?!)

I remember after taking pictures together, Tyler & I got to hang out alone in the bridal suite for a bit before we got back with the bridal party for introductions & reception. They brought us champagne & some appetizers from cocktail hour, and we just sat & sortof stared at each other smiling. That is one thing I DO remember - maybe not every little detail, but every little FEELING - I remember feeling like I was going to explode from happiness. 

I did not expect to feel different - we have been together over 6 years, and have lived together for the majority of those years. We've felt "married" for a long time. But wow - I feel different! I feel happy, so happy. Calm. Excited - yes, excited! I catch myself daydreaming about our future more than ever before. Not so much planning it out, but thinking of the endless possibilities, the many different paths we could take, together. There is so much life to live and we get to take this journey together - and I couldn't have found a better person to do it with. 

I keep stressing about getting it all down, every memory, every moment - but I think that's pretty impossible. I think I'll just start writing about the moments as I remember them, as they come to me. (Like yesterday, on my drive home from work, "Any Man Of Mine" by Shania Twain came on, and I just could not stop smiling thinking of my bridesmaids at my bachelorette: we were in the backyard of the cape house they rented, and I was teaching them the line dance! Then at the rehearsal dinner,  we all practiced it again... and finally we all did it at the wedding! So fun!!)

So, cheers. Cheers to one month down, hopefully millions to go. I sometimes feel bittersweet, that the party's all over. I know that's silly - the party is just beginning.

An excerpt from Union by Robert Fulghum

 You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks — all those sentences that began with “When we’re married” and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” — those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” — and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed — 

well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another — acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this is my husband, this is my wife.

*thank you Michael for reading this so beautifully at our wedding.

Life Is Meant To Be Shared

From the time we are very small we know that one plus one is two. But when the right people come together, one plus one is actually more than two. Much more.

We are not made to go through life alone. Everything about us is designed to become stronger, happier, and more fulfilled when we have found our love, our partner, 

our matching puzzle piece.

The miracle is that sharing life actually makes life bigger. The arthmetic is magic. Real love always adds, it never subtracts. With love, we doubleour joys, divide our worries, and multiply our possibilities for a life of meaning, romance and adventure.

Yes, life was meant to be shared. Its not what we have in our life, but who we have in our life that counts. If you have found love, you have been given life's greatest gift. How will you celebrate it? How will you use it to grow?

How will you create something beautiful together?

*thank you Charlotte for reading this so beautifully at our wedding.

The Wedding

I swear I will take some time to write about the wedding & honeymoon soon, but life comes back at your full force, and I am swamped.

All I will say is that it was the most beautiful, incredible, perfect, love-filled day. Absolute bliss.

Oh, and the honeymoon was fantastic ;-)

But here is a Sneak peek: father/daughter dance





...

32 days...

Being Brave

People have been asking Tyler & I if we are excited, nervous, ready, etc., since the wedding is approaching quickly. And our latest response has been, "we just want the day to get here already." Sadly, we both say this in an exasperated, "let's get this over with" tone. Which is not really how we feel deep down. We are just both tired.

Tired of opinions, tired of changing plans, tired of disappointing & being disappointed. Tired of being surprised that, even though we thought every single person that we invited knew us just so well, some people seem to not know us at all. To think that Tyler & I want anything other than a wonderfully relaxed day with our closest friends & family & to just celebrate our love, is beyond me. There is nothing else we want. 

Getting married is a brave leap of faith. Madeleine L’Engle says it perfectly in "The Irrational Season" when she says "ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. It is indeed a fearful gamble. Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take.If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. It takes a lifetime to learn another person. When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected."

As a daughter of a broken 20-year marriage, I really believe that getting married is a risk, and when you love someone as I do Tyler, you look at them and see that the risk of not being together, of not trying, far outweighs the risk of trying.

But having a wedding is also being brave, and I had no idea. We could have just eloped - and sometimes I wonder why we didn't. Well, we didn't because gosh, do we ever LOVE our family and friends. 9/9/12 not only celebrates how lucky we feel to have found each other, but how lucky we feel to have been blessed with such loving family & friends. 

BUT. But we are both the first to be married on both sides. And there are a lot of... opinions. And expectations. And I think most of them come from a place of people being excited for us, but sometimes that doesn't come through. It's a lot. It is A LOT to plan a wedding and get married and coordinate family and friends and to be the center of attention (even if, ahem, you usually love it). It really forces you to, at the end of the day, choose what makes YOU and your HUSBAND TO BE happy. Because that is what this is all about - that is what this new life we are embarking on is about. Making each other happy. I can honestly say that when I feel disappointed, or if someone feels disappointed in me, I look at Tyler and think, "Is Tyler disappointed? Are we happy with our choice?", and as long as THAT answer is "no" and "yes", I'm good.

So, Tyler - it's going to be worth it. All the little stresses will melt away when we see each other for the first time as Stewie walks me down the aisle. Because we make each other happy - we always have and we always will. And this wedding stuff (or "wedding poop" as we have so lovingly called it) will have just served as a stepping stone to where we both know that the most important thing is to just make sure we are both happy.  (And yaknow what? The important people will be happy no matter what our choices are, they will just be happy because we are happy. That is love.)

Bridal Shower, part 2

A wonderful day filled with tea sandwiches, bellinis, good friends, family, gracious gifts & girly excitement. It was a perfect, lovely day. I can't say thank you enough to everyone. I will never forget how I felt that day - I felt like people were really proud & excited for me, and were just so hopeful & full of well wishes for tyler & my future together. It was amazing. 

Charlotte, Meg, Jackie, Me, Jess, Jenn & Dana

Patty, Aunty, Mrs. Haroian, Joanne

Walking in the door & seeing my future mother-in-law coming all the way from Nebraska!

Greeting Grandma Jean, Aunty Marilyn & Nannie

Me, Jenn, Jess & Jess

My table. Isn't the room the sweetest? It looks just like the Dragonfly Inn!

Opening gifts

Meg made this bouquet from ribbons, to be used at the rehearsal dinner!

Me & Mom

My Bridal Shower, Part One

opening gifts

Tyler came!

Meghan & Dana (& a 6ft tall teddy bear named Parker) slept over the night before the "surprise" shower. The girls & I got manis, I got a pedi, and we went home and ordered food and watched movies, chatted & relaxed. (We first tried to watch She's All That, which DANA HAD NEVER HEARD OF, but she thought it was too CHEESY. So we switched to "Where the Heart Is, which Dana had also NEVER HEARD OF, and that went over a bit better.)
I awkwardly got up at 10:30pm and declared it time to go to bed, so i got the girls blankets & pillows & went to bed. Cue Hayley 10 minutes later lying in bed wondering if she's fun enough. Ran back in the living room to confirm that it was indeed bedtime, we were all tired, and I wasn't "making them" go to bed. Guess I am just rusty when it comes to slumber parties.

I'm not quite sure what time we woke up - maybe 9am? I jumped out of bed and started running & jumping around  a la Monica from friends. Also discussed what a great poop I was going to take - ugh. Classy, Hayl. (Well, for a girl with IBS, a good poop is important!! Sorry, TMI?) It was such a fun, exciting morning! I kept saying that I hope I will be just as excited & calm on my wedding day morning. Here's hoping...

So, we showered & got ready (see fab pic below) all together, and headed out the door to get Charlotte. We ran into some traffic and ahem, some detours, but kept it cool by singing Nsync songs as Candy & Shelley frantically texted Dana & Meg, "WTF WHERE ARE YOU :)". Hahaha!!


I wore a black scarf over my eyes for the last 10 minutes of the ride, and kept my eyes closed as I walked in the room...

I immediately gasped, as my future mother-in-law, Kim, had surprised me and flew in from Nebraska!!! It was such an amazing surprise, I ran right to her and hugged her. I then turned to my left, and one of my bridesmaids, Jackie, had flown in from Florida! I truly have the BEST family & friends.

to be continued.....
 

Updates

Oh heeeeeey there! :-) Here is a shot from our "save the date" photo shoot that my mom took. This isn't the one we chose for save the dates, but it was a favorite of ours!
We've gotten a lot done recently, which makes everything feel that much closer! I can't wait to share everything with our family & friends. One of the things I look forward to most is all of my beantown friends meeting our Nebraska friends - I am really excited for the Nebraskans to have a Boston trip!

Honeymoon - booked, we are going to Aruba! SO excited. We did this fun thing called a honeyfund where we researched things we wanted to do on our honeymoon and registered for them! It got us really excited for a week of paradise :-) Can't wait!

Invites - ordered! They are lovely. Teared up when choosing the text :-)

Crafts - begun. I don't want to spoil everything, but Meg, Dana & I have been attempting this.....

Bridesmaid dresses - chosen! I think I want to keep them a surprise for a bit longer on here... but I will give you a hint: cowboy boots.

Wedding bands - we ordered Tyler's & got it engraved - we got it via an amazing deal on www.veryjane.com - its an adorable deal site unlike ANY other you've seen - promise.

I swear I will sit down and write more soon. I get a bit overwhelmed when I do too many wedding-related things in one weekend, so i think I need a breather, and then I'll be back.

Be sure to check out my wedding board on pinterest for lots of fun ideas I'm thinking of... :-)

234 Days...

And my skin is CRAWLING with excitement. There is so much to do, and I want to do it all NOW. I seriously pray I am not driving people crazy. But I am just basking in this feeling of not being worried or anxious, of just being EXCITED that there is a huge party coming up with all of my family & friends that celebrates what I most thankful for - getting to spend the rest of my life married to my best friend.

I am such a cheeseball.


Check out here to see all thoughts/ideas/"to-do"s.

Some updates...

• save the dates go out TODAY!
• DJ booked (but you already knew that) - but they are also going to be our videographers!
• Photographers BOOKED! We are over the moon to have huband & wife team The Hinkleys photograph our wedding. They are adorable - and originally from Nebraska! How cool is that?
• HONEYMOON booked - WOW. More on that later...
• Beepa (my grandfather) will be the one marrying us. :-)

and there is lots more, but I'll save that for another time.

Just made my real wedding to-do list. I have 267 days to do it all. I have 15 DIY projects I am attempting to complete, and 24 HUGE ticket items I have started.

And so it begins.

Perspective.

 Oh Tyler. How you put up with me, I will never understand. Most of the time, my bad moods worsen because I can't stand MYSELF. I don't know how you do it.

I'm already getting a bit stressed out about wedding planning. It's so much money, so much detail - it's all very overwhelming! Combine that with the days getting shorter, colder, holidays approaching, job stress... I have not been a very nice person to be around lately.

Lately, I've been envying others. Their clothes, their jobs, their lives, their situations, where they live - I think to myself "wow, they are so lucky" or "I wish I was more like that" "I wish I had those things" - and it takes me a minute to realize that most of the things I'm envying of others, I do have. I'm just not taking the time to enjoy & appreciate it. I've never been a fan of the phrase "this should be the happiest time in your life!" because it puts unfair & unrealistic pressure on what you "should" be feeling. Big moments can feel happy, sad & scary and still be wonderful. But I think I am missing out on some of the "happy". Yes, it's OK to be worried & stressed, but remember that this is a HAPPY time, a wonderful time, a time others ill envy YOU for (that sounds awful, but it helps put things into perspective for me!)

Anyway - this all came about when I was looking at these photos, specifically the one of the groom crying when he sees his bride for the first time. I saw it first on pinterest, with the caption "I'd like to be adored like this someday".

Wow.

I've (sort of jokingly) said to Tyler - "Um, don't bawl your eyes out at the wedding. Don't stand up there sobbing. I know you're gonna." I was (I think) so nervous myself about the emotions of the day, I thought I wanted him to be strong. But now, seeing it from afar - how lucky am I? How dare I tell my husband-to-be not to feel exactly what he feels on our wedding day? To tell him to hide that precious, perfect moment when he sees me for the first time? People want that. I want that. (Well, to clarify, I'm not asking Tyler to now cry, I want him to do whatever he feels at the time.)

So, Tyler: I'm sorry I try to control things. It's just because I'm scared. But you are perfect to me, and I just want you to keep being you. I'm sorry if I don't always appreciate you until I notice others appreciating your qualities. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

Halloween weekend

We didn't do much for Halloween this weekend - but we DID have my dad & Carolyn over for dinner & to see our new apartment!! We are really proud of our new place, so I was looking forward to this alot.

the boys playing wii & me clearing snacks before dinner!

 I set out some snacks, but the real treat was what I made for dinner. I know I cook a lot, but when I knew I was having "company" I could not for the life of me think of what to make! My favorite things to make are soups, but I knew my dad wouldn't want to just have soup for dinner. So, I made engagement chicken, roasted potatoes, butternut squash, sweet potatoes & carrots, and Kim's corn casserole.

YUM!



It all turned out pretty good! Next time I would have attempted mashed potatoes & gravy, but I can never get my mashed potatoes perfect...



Ebony REALLY wanted some...



I also made "Dead Brownies" for dessert, which were a hit! And Carolyn brought some delicious and ADORABLE cookies from The Danish Pastry House

It was a really fun night.

In wedding news, we've booked our DJ! We are so excited to have Chris from Next Level Entertainment for our big day - he seems like the perfect fit for us. 80s, country, party jams - yahoo!!
My mom & I also ordered our save the dates! They are going to be super sweet - I told my mom I felt like a "bridal princess" at An Elegant Affair, with both consultants showing me different bridal books filled with designs & fonts. It was overwhelming - in a good way. Next, we are looking for a photographer, JOP, and florist. Sigh... lots to do. I know it's going to start getting overwhelming (and expensive) so I hope I can step back once and awhile and remember what this is all about.

Anyone have any HONEYMOON reccomendations?! I think we are going to go to a travel agent.

Getting Excited...

With my mom's wedding over (it was amazing - will post on that soon!), the focus shifts - I AM GETTING MARRIED! In exactly 390 days. It hasn't sunken in yet (even though I've been engaged over a year!) because the focus has been elsewhere, but now,

it's our turn!