Monday, July 23, 2012

Let's Start Talking

Women: what's the deal? There are so many challenges & hardships & truths to life that we don't ever talk about. I don't understand. Things could be easier, or more bearable, if we shared our stories with one another. Feeling like you aren't "crazy", like others understand you, like you are not alone, is so comforting when you are facing an obstacle. The most comforting truth in a moment of sadness or despair is feeling that you are not alone.

Let me take a step back. & explain.

My FAVORITE blog posts are when the author takes a moment to get real. It usually begins with " I need to be real for a moment " or "sorry, this post isn't going to be pretty". It's the posts I relate to the most, and truthfully, the posts with the most comments. And most comments read like this, "You just read my mind, I can so relate" or "I feel the same way, thank you for writing this". All of a sudden, I feel a sense of hope, of community. An overwhelming urge to pour out my soul in the hopes that the person I am commenting to can feel that we are one & the same. Not only am I sad that they are sad, and not only do I empathize and relate to their sadness, but it makes me sad that they feel that they have to apologize for these "less than" feelings. Who says we are "supposed to" feel a certain way about certain stages in our life, or certain events? We are "supposed to" always be happy, grateful, appreciative, creative, etc? But sometimes we don't. And we need to give each other, and OURSELVES, some credit and permission to be however we feel. Because that is true. And true is good.

THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. But I think we need more than that. We need a shift in how we think about ourselves. I want others (and myself) to give ourselves permission to be sad, depressed, lost, hurt, whiny, excited, jealous, insecure, confident, whatever.

Big events like getting engaged, getting married, and having babies are portrayed as being happy & wonderful - no one talks about the stress and descision making that comes along with these huge events. No one mentions that it is a combination of wonderful & scary - and that it is OK to be scared! I'm finding myself worrying about children. If I want to stay home - can we afford that? Will I really want to stay home after the great jobs I've had? How will I feel? What can we afford to do? Will I/can I balance my life, and be the wife & mother I want to be? What about changing my name? That's not insignificant, that's huge. That's my identity. And while I want to (and will) change my name to match my husbands, CAN I GET AN AMEN ON THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT AN EASY CHANGE? That it will be weird to have new initials, a new last name? Am I the only one?

When you have the courage to post about something rotten, about feelings you are less-than proud of - thank you. You have no idea how much you may be helping someone, and giving someone the courage to talk about their less-than feelings. We aren't alone. Let's start talking.

"You move just a finger, Say the slightest word, Somethings bound to linger - Be heard." - Into the Woods


  1. Hi! I just happened upon your blog, and completely agree! I love a real post! I got married last July, and was excited to change my name, but also a little sad. I had that name for my whole life! At work we initial things, and i sometimes see something from last year with LK, while I am now LL. I mourn if for a second and then move on.

    When someone calls you and asks for Mrs. Husband's last name, it makes your hear jump at first, because it's like, yeah, I married him :)

    And now I need to write a real blog post...thanks!


    1. Thanks, Laura! I think it will take a few weeks (months?) to actually realize that when someone says "Mrs. Denker", that's me! But yes, a sweet, sweet reminder :-)

  2. Hi! I just found your blog and instantly had a connection bc I am also planning a wedding! (my wedding and blogging about it) but anyway, thank you for your honesty, it has been a fun and stressful time, not something ive admitted to anyone bc I thought I was expected to be idling all the time. Smiling - for some reason I
    Can't erase on my iPhone. Thank you for giving me permission to feel stressed about all the changes coming up! I look forward to reading more

    1. Thanks, H! I remember when I first got engaged feeling REALLY overwhelmed with "supposed to" feelings - I'm "supposed" to be happy & glowing and not stressed at all. I found a book called "Emotionally Engaged" that made me feel SO MUCH BETTER about it all - it basically allowed me to feel whatever I was feeling, and to not be guilty about it. It helped me appreciate & love the moments when I was smiling, and it helped get through the times when I was overwhelmed.

  3. Amen amen amen. it gets hard and harder thought--at least it seems like it's getting harder and harder.